My Australian Adventure

I just spent 7 unplanned weeks in Australia. That's not something a midwestern girl often gets to say, but let me set the record straight that it was not a vacation and it was not for script research. I was there to help a family member while they recovered from a medical emergency. 

If you're planning a trip, here's what I can tell you. 

The flight: It was about 26-28 hours each way. I flew from Chicago to California to Hawaii to Sydney. The Hawaiian Airlines portion was downright pleasant. The flight announcements end with "Mahalo," you get Hawaiian snacks, and you arrive feeling super chill. The stateside portion was a living hell, because my flights got delayed, changed, canceled, etc so that my checked luggage went to Denver or San Francisco while I was in Los Angeles and I spent the first 10 days in Australia without my clothes. The return flight was like time-travel. I left on a Thursday night around 9:30, flew to Hawaii approx 10 hours, then another 10-ish hours to California, but somehow arrived on the same day, an hour earlier than I left. I managed to fly the final leg on a last minute change to a red-eye that had zero talking or crying children. It was dark and every passenger slept. If I ever get a do-over, I'll stay in Hawaii a few days and then fly the next part, just to break up all the flying.

The scenery and sights: Poinsettias grow to be several feet tall and wide, resembling something from a Dr. Seuss book. The trees and landscape are jaw-droppingly spectacular. Not a single photo I took does it justice. I didn't see any of the classic tourist spots, as both of my visits to Sydney were at night and inside the airport. I did take a few walks to the nearby beach, which was incredibly gorgeous. As I was standing there, facing the Pacific Ocean, I realized I've been on both sides of it, both in California and in Oz. Weird but cool. I found a cool indie record store and visited a nearby mall. It was worth the trip just to see the beach and to witness rugby, which is BANANAS.

The birds: You haven't lived until you've been startled awake into a full on panic at 4 am by a cockatoo screeching right outside your bedroom window. I damn near called the cops, because when we hear a scream like that in Chicagoland, it usually involves a violent crime. There was also a nearby housing construction site, and I swear to all that's holy, the birds had learned to mimic the sounds of the saws and hammers. I asked my relative why the construction started at sunrise, and that's how I found out it was the freaking birds. They're gorgeous and colorful and  loud. And the Australian Magpie will dive at your kid's head in the spring, to defend it's nearby nest. Children often wear bike helmets walking to school or out to play when there's a magpie in the area. These are the same kids who also know to punch a shark in the head if they see one while swimming. 

Violence: There is very little gun violence there, with the rare exception of a property dispute between farmers or the organized criminals called "bikeys" because they're the motorcycle gang version of the mafia. There was one shooting while I was there, which seemed to get constant news coverage for days. Because it was literally the ONLY gun violence to report in the entire country. However, there are plenty of fist fights outside bars, domestic violence, and some stabbings. While it would definitely suck to get stabbed, I have to admit it felt really, really weird not to worry if there might be a shooting in public places. It made me sad to think about how bad it is here in the states.

The people: They are sardonic and rugged, shrugging off things like birds that dive at your head, sharks in swimming areas, and spiders the size of dinner plates. They pay people better wages (generally) so you don't have to tip at restaurants or hair salons, unless you want them to know you're American or you just want to make their day. If you're into the pub/club scene, these are your people. The most remote towns might not have a school, but there's likely a watering hole. If you think you can understand what they're saying and they're laughing, you probably don't understand what they're saying and they're probably teasing you a bit. Which brings me to my next point...

The accent: Thanks to Olivia Newton-John, the Hemsworth brothers, and Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, I thought I had a good idea of what an Australian sounded like. I absolutely did not. The true accent, at least in the places I visited, is Fred Flintstone after a root canal. It's akin to Ozzy, circa 2001, at the mercy of his giant TV remote which seemed to do everything but control the TV. He was British and he was speaking, but we only understood the curse words. The Aussie accent I most often encountered was a guy MUMBLING a bunch of words, followed by "right?" which is pronounced ROYT. I once tried to find an American style breakfast sausage in a grocery store, and the working class guy behind the butcher counter sounded like this:

"Suhsege? Brekkie? ROYT. Yabba-doo, scooby-doo, wubba wubba, scoob-a-doodly-doo. ROYT?"

Me: Uhhhhmmm...right?

He had to walk me over to what was the closest thing to breakfast sausage (it was not at all) and point at it. Then he asked the same thing everyone asked as soon as they heard me speak. 

"Way-ya frum en tha Stites? Chicagaur? ROYT. Pizzaur's grite, ROYT?"

Me: Yep. The states? Oh yeah. Chicago. Great pizza. I did alot of smiling and nodding. I'm certain that Americans get a rep for being dumb, at least in Australia, in part because we cannot understand anything they're saying and we're too polite to say so. LOL

Driving: If you've never ridden in a vehicle on the opposite side of the road, that was incredibly strange for me. Especially on public transportation. I had to bite my tongue a couple times to keep from screaming, "OH MY GOD YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US!" when it seemed we would collide with oncoming traffic (but of course, never did). I'm pretty sure other passengers were avoiding my eye contact.

Eating: Well, let's start with the obvious--the portions of just about anything are not gigantic American portions. However, the sushi rolls are super inexpensive, extra fresh, and you can get them the size of a burrito, so you can walk around the mall and eat it. Pizza, however? I treated my relative to delivery, ordering two larges so we could have some leftovers. It was twice as expensive and the pies were about the size of an American "personal" pizza. Here in Chicagoland you can find a monster slice that is bigger. If you get Macca's aka McDonald's, the burgers are pretty much the same, but don't order bacon on it because they absolutely do not, under any circumstance, serve it crispy. It's more like floppy ham on top of your burger, and that was a no for me. Better to go to an indie restaurant for a nicer quality burger, fish, or steak. There was a dessert everyone kept asking me if I'd tried, a sponge cake-like thing cut into squares called Lamingtons. The cake, no matter where I tried it from (different stores and a coffee shop), was kind of dry, soaked in a sauce such as chocolate. It was alright. I will say you can expect a robust cup of coffee just about anywhere you can get it, and it will definitely caffeinate the hell out of you. If I ever visit again, I'd be happy with the mega-sized sushi, the numerous Thai restaurants, burger joints, and the jolt-you-to-life coffee.

Shopping: Like much of Europe and Asia, you bring your own re-usable bag. I wish we did that here in the U.S. for two reasons. 1. The pile up of plastic bags that can really only be re-used for cat litter or small wastebaskets is a serious problem in the average midwestern household. 2. Bringing a finite number of cloth bags limits overspending on groceries. I did have a beef with their shopping carts and it didn't seem to matter which grocery store I was in. The doggone carts didn't steer well. They kind of slide all over like the floor was just waxed. You've got to watch yourself going from one aisle to the next, or you might smack right into the shelves or another person. Also, things are pretty expensive, especially housing, similar to big cities in the U.S., so expect to pay more for souvenirs, food, and transportation.

Do I have a future as a travel writer? Probably not. But if you get the chance, Australia is worth the visit, and I hope I get to visit again someday, hopefully for a happier reason.

Keep writing,