Grieving Change

Dedicated to everyone who is under quarantine at home during the pandemic. I hope it helps.

Recently I talked a fellow Thirty Seconds to Mars fan off the emotional ledge because she was beating herself up for falling off her diet. She's lost over 100 lbs over the last year, but gained back seven lbs over the last few weeks. We cried a bit together over it when she realized she's bullying and sabotaging herself because she's grieving.

We all are. It's grief for what feels normal.

I went through that grief process incrementally starting in 2010 and fully in 2013, when my health was so bad that I lost what was left of my old career. The clarity that came out of it was that I stepped fully into my writing, and set better boundaries with relationships that didn't feel good to me. I grieved much of the changes in my life in a pretty isolated way because of my health. I lost a lot of friends I thought would've been more loyal or checked on me. Gradually, I made new ones. I love my career now, and I couldn't say that back then.

Along the way, I realized that no one broke my heart. They broke my expectations, which got me closer to my heart. (One of my favorite transformational authors, Kyle Cease says that in his book, I Hope I Screw This Up.)

The quarantine has helped me realize that is what grief is. Broken expectations. I expected a certain "normal" and that's not true anymore. We are all grieving in our own imperfect way right now.

These things may happen for you too. You may get clarity on what you've been disconnected from or who/what you want to prioritize. Old patterns of how you deal with extreme stress might resurface too. It's okay. It will all be okay. Don't let perfection be your bully. Certainly don't let another's opinion be your bully. That opinion is their projection about how they feel inside. It has nothing to do with you.

If you find yourself upset by the news and current events, or other people who are spiraling about it, limit how much you're taking in. Some of us are learning to disconnect.

If you're unable to accept help, generosity, or a kind gesture without complaining and critiquing it to death, take a breath or sit on the porch a few minutes. Some of us are learning to connect.

The big breakthroughs will come when you start connecting with the awareness that you're defaulting to your old ways and you don't need to anymore. You'll rise to the challenge of whatever the new normal will be.

And you'll do it because you have the ability to control two things in any given moment: your attention and your intention.

You can always reset by asking yourself, AM I BEING KIND?